"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is~His good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:2
I am so thankful that God has a good, pleasing, and perfect will for my life. And I stand amazed at His grace, love, and faithfulness. The past month or 2 have been difficult. Michael and I have struggled with decisions concerning our adoption. First, we were praying for a baby. Period. We just wanted a baby. We were confident that God made us to love a baby. 2 and a half years...and no baby came. Then we prayed for adoption verses in vitro. When God said adoption, we prayed for international verses domestic. When God said domestic, we prayed for Him to tell us through which agency to adopt. And then God was silent. We waited and prayed. Being the analytic, researcher, control freak female that I am, I researched many different agencies and made contacts with people who have gone through the adoption process. I searched for all of the information I could gather just longing to hear His voice say, "This one." Michael, being the laid back male that he is says, "I'm ready! Just sign us up!" This posed a problem for a while as we couldn't quite decide what to do next.
And then there was the mental break down. Aren't we all entitled to one of those every now and then? Poor, unsuspecting Michael walked in from work one day to find his wife in the middle of a hot mess. I had adoption information papers everywhere. There were notes scribbled from where I had spoken to a few agencies on the phone, and 2 laptops with information abounding from both. I was completely, entirely, and utterly overwhelmed. I fell into his arms, and sobbed with frustration. "I just want a baby for us to love. Why is it this hard? Why does it cost so much? Why do we have to jump through so many steps? Why will we have to wait so long? Why are there so many different decisions to make? Why won't work give me sick leave to be off with an adopted child? Why is it that there are so many orphans in this world, and it seems so difficult for us to adopt one to love?" Poor Michael. What do you say to that? He didn't. He just hugged me and let me spill out. Needless to say, God picked me back up again.
I stand amazed at the people who God has used to encourage us throughout all of this. I have some of the very best, most supportive friends and family you could ever imagine. To all of you who have listened to me rant, prayed for us, and offered encouragement (you know who you are), I love you so much and thank God every day for using you to speak to me.
I have 2 really cool God experiences to share with you. Last week while driving to work, I was praying. God has told me multiple times (through a Sunday school lesson, through Michael and my bible study, and through my book club group) that I need to be better about being still and listening to Him rather than just ranting on and on in my prayers and never taking the time to be quiet and hear from Him. So I prayed for a short time, then I asked God to speak to me. Mind you, I'm in that somewhat frustrated stage I was speaking of earlier. I turned off the radio, and I was quiet waiting for God to speak. Off in the distance, I heard my phone jingle a text message, but I ignored it focused on my prayer. Probably just a Hanging with Friends alert or a text message telling me someone wasn't going to be at work today. When I pulled up to work, I checked my phone, and I had this message from a friend (a very sweet lady who I've spoken to once on the phone to hear about her personal adoption experience but who has never texted me before). It read, "Make sure you read 2/20 and 2/21 in the Streams in the Desert devotional that Mrs. Becky gave you. Praying for y'all." I rushed home that afternoon to see what it was that God wanted me to hear. Very encouraging words concerning patience, God's will for your life, and God's perfect timing....exactly what God needed me to hear at that time. I thanked her for thinking of me and letting God use her to speak to me. He really does speak to us!!!
Last week, I had dinner with 2 dear friends who God has blessed me with "for such a time as this". We talked for 2 and a half hours about different things going on in our lives. As always, they were very uplifting. At the end of dinner, we shared a few things that we would like the others to pray for specifically. I asked them to pray that God would release me of my fears and selfishness that I had been holding on which have been hindering our adoption journey. And to pray that I would be able to put all of my TRUST and FAITH in Him. I got home, and it was a pretty night. Michael and I sat outside on the swing and had one of our long "adoption talks". We decided that we have waited long enough, and it was time to get the paperwork started. Sometimes, God just wants us to ACT, especially when His will is so evident to both of us. Bethany Christian Services is the local agency that we have researched and heard good things about, so we would begin the paperwork process with them the next day! We decided that we would trust that God will take care of the rest...bringing us just the child He wants us to love. The only concern was money. The most recent number we read on Bethany's website for domestic adoption was $18,000. (sounds more like international adoption cost, doesn't it?) We have not yet been able to start our adoption savings fund as we have a small loan to pay off first. My wonderful, Dave Ramsey minded husband would prefer to have all of the money in savings to pay cash when the adoption goes through. What if we finish our home study, and amazingly we get a baby faster than expected, and we don't have the money ready? We decided that God would be faithful, and God would provide....especially since this is something that He has called us to do. We prayed and went to bed. When I got out of the shower the next morning, I had 5 text messages from a friend. Summary: "Last night, I went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert at Broadmoor. He spoke of his 3 adopted children, and they played a video of some of the world's orphans. I cried through the whole video and felt God lay a heavy burden on my heart. I have signed up for a short term mission trip, but there is just such an overwhelming need, and I feel called to help in whatever small way I can. I know I can start with my dear friends who are wanting to adopt, so when the time comes, I want to give you and Michael a financial gift to help with the cost of adoption. Love y'all and what you are doing." WOW! God stopped me in my tracks. He said, "Trust me. I will provide. This is Me confirming your decision." The night before as Michael and I prayed for God to give us confirmation and discussed some of our concerns and fears, at that same time, He was speaking to my friend. God bless her for listening to Him. Even if the gift is 5 dollars, that was God saying, "I'm going to take care of you." It is AMAZING to receive that kind of confirmation.
Yesterday, we submitted our pre-application form to Bethany. We trust you, God. We are so excited to begin this journey to love one of your precious children.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Waiting on a Word from Him
It's been a while since my last post. Crazy busy at the Martin home! Let me catch you up. We closed on our new home November 30 and within about 2 weeks, we had everything unpacked, boxes gone, pictures hung, Christmas tree up, and ready for visitors! What a whirlwind! December was jam packed with many blessings including our new home, Christmas shopping, Christmas parties, hosting the Martin Family Christmas, a spend the night visit from my BFF from Birmingham, hosting all of my PT school friends for a Welcome Home Party for our great friends coming home from Uganda, Christmas Day with Michael's family, lunch in Vicksburg with 2 of my dearest friends, and hosting my wonderful family for 5 days at New Years (including a surprise visit from my sister!). It was a wonderful month to say the least! I rang in 2012 with a vicious stomach virus followed up by a nasty cold, but I must say I couldn't be happier!
Over the past couple of years, big holidays like Christmas and New Years have been hard on me. It seems like I would always catch myself saying, "Well, SURELY, by this time next year we will have a baby or at least be pregnant!" Then, it would be Christmas again and still no baby and still no positive pregnancy test. It's hard to believe that 3 Christmases have passed with that longing desire lingering in our hearts. I would catch myself getting lost in watching the children open their presents, hearing their squeals and laughter, longing to have a part in the joy with a child of our own. I would feel so sorry for myself and get in the car and cry the whole way home to our empty house. This Christmas was different. Although the desire is still in my heart and stronger than ever, I am at peace. I know we will have a child soon. I have never been so sure of anything. At the urging of our church, Michael and I read the bible through in 2011. Believe it or not, this was the first time I have ever read the bible in its entirety. I have started the task many times, but I always seemed to get bogged down in Leviticus or Numbers and fizzle out. With God's help, I made it through this year, and I'm so thankful. During my very last week of my daily bible readings, God slapped me across the face again. This is what He said...
"I am GOD. At the right time, I'll make it happen." (Isaiah 60 of The Message)
Isn't that powerful? I know we will have a child because God Himself gave me this desire that nearly has me bursting at the seems with love overflowing to pour out on a child. He gave me this desire, and HE is GOD. At the right time, His time, He WILL make it happen. As I give friends and family the tour of our new home and we come across the empty 4th bedroom, I proudly exclaim, "This IS the nursery." I don't say, "This will be the nursery if we ever have children" like I used to say in our old house. Because I now know with confidence that we will have children....God's children.
Michael and I are still awaiting a word from God concerning our adoption. We are still praying about domestic verses international adoption, and we discuss it daily, but God has yet to give us a confirming word. It is very overwhelming when trying to choose where to adopt from because we want to be sure to get the exact child that God has picked out for us. For this reason, we know we cannot make the decision in hast or on our own. We want to be sure it comes from Him. We jokingly say that we wish our doorbell would ring one night, and we would find a baby in a basket sitting on our doorstep with a note from God saying this is the one. :-) But, we also know that a part of this whole journey is God drawing us closer to Him and building a reliance on Him that we've never known before. I smile as I think of all that God has already accomplished in us during this "curse" of infertility. He knows exactly what He is doing, and for that, I am thankful.
In our desperation to hear His voice concerning our adoption, we are together doing the "Discerning the Voice of God" bible study by Priscilla Shirer. This week we have learned:
1. To anticipate the voice of God. We must expect to hear from Him.
"I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart: And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me." Habakkuk 2:1
2. To wait patiently to hear God's voice (something I am struggling with right now as I am ready to get the process started!)
"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14
3. To plan to obey it. Once we hear God, we must obey Him.
"Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man."
Matthew 7:24
4. To listen for it. We can't do all of the talking in prayer. We must listen for Him to speak.
"As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut! He is in heaven, and you are only here on Earth. So let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:1-2
5. To have faith in it. Believe that what God tells you is best. Have faith in Him.
"The word they heard did not profit them because it was not united by faith in those who heard."
Hebrews 4:2
Good stuff, isn't it? I would ask that you would please pray for us as we are longing to determine God's path for us in the adoption process. We know that it is a long, sometimes hard road, and we are ready to get started. We have been investigating different adoption agencies, but we will not choose our agency until we know where we will be adopting from. I'm hoping that in my next post, I will be able to tell you where we will be going to bring our baby home!
Over the past couple of years, big holidays like Christmas and New Years have been hard on me. It seems like I would always catch myself saying, "Well, SURELY, by this time next year we will have a baby or at least be pregnant!" Then, it would be Christmas again and still no baby and still no positive pregnancy test. It's hard to believe that 3 Christmases have passed with that longing desire lingering in our hearts. I would catch myself getting lost in watching the children open their presents, hearing their squeals and laughter, longing to have a part in the joy with a child of our own. I would feel so sorry for myself and get in the car and cry the whole way home to our empty house. This Christmas was different. Although the desire is still in my heart and stronger than ever, I am at peace. I know we will have a child soon. I have never been so sure of anything. At the urging of our church, Michael and I read the bible through in 2011. Believe it or not, this was the first time I have ever read the bible in its entirety. I have started the task many times, but I always seemed to get bogged down in Leviticus or Numbers and fizzle out. With God's help, I made it through this year, and I'm so thankful. During my very last week of my daily bible readings, God slapped me across the face again. This is what He said...
"I am GOD. At the right time, I'll make it happen." (Isaiah 60 of The Message)
Isn't that powerful? I know we will have a child because God Himself gave me this desire that nearly has me bursting at the seems with love overflowing to pour out on a child. He gave me this desire, and HE is GOD. At the right time, His time, He WILL make it happen. As I give friends and family the tour of our new home and we come across the empty 4th bedroom, I proudly exclaim, "This IS the nursery." I don't say, "This will be the nursery if we ever have children" like I used to say in our old house. Because I now know with confidence that we will have children....God's children.
Michael and I are still awaiting a word from God concerning our adoption. We are still praying about domestic verses international adoption, and we discuss it daily, but God has yet to give us a confirming word. It is very overwhelming when trying to choose where to adopt from because we want to be sure to get the exact child that God has picked out for us. For this reason, we know we cannot make the decision in hast or on our own. We want to be sure it comes from Him. We jokingly say that we wish our doorbell would ring one night, and we would find a baby in a basket sitting on our doorstep with a note from God saying this is the one. :-) But, we also know that a part of this whole journey is God drawing us closer to Him and building a reliance on Him that we've never known before. I smile as I think of all that God has already accomplished in us during this "curse" of infertility. He knows exactly what He is doing, and for that, I am thankful.
In our desperation to hear His voice concerning our adoption, we are together doing the "Discerning the Voice of God" bible study by Priscilla Shirer. This week we have learned:
1. To anticipate the voice of God. We must expect to hear from Him.
"I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart: And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me." Habakkuk 2:1
2. To wait patiently to hear God's voice (something I am struggling with right now as I am ready to get the process started!)
"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14
3. To plan to obey it. Once we hear God, we must obey Him.
"Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man."
Matthew 7:24
4. To listen for it. We can't do all of the talking in prayer. We must listen for Him to speak.
"As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut! He is in heaven, and you are only here on Earth. So let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:1-2
5. To have faith in it. Believe that what God tells you is best. Have faith in Him.
"The word they heard did not profit them because it was not united by faith in those who heard."
Hebrews 4:2
Good stuff, isn't it? I would ask that you would please pray for us as we are longing to determine God's path for us in the adoption process. We know that it is a long, sometimes hard road, and we are ready to get started. We have been investigating different adoption agencies, but we will not choose our agency until we know where we will be adopting from. I'm hoping that in my next post, I will be able to tell you where we will be going to bring our baby home!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
We are Adopted
"Even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His Will." -Ephesians 1:4-5
What a powerful verse! To think that God adopted all of us as His children through sending His son to die for us...that's just unimaginable! Here we are pondering over and praying over the adoption of one or two children, and our God adopted ALL of us!
I love the way David Platt puts it in the Foreward of the book Orphanology... "The gospel and adoption are beautifully woven together by the gracious hand of God. In Christ, God has shown His love to us as our Father. He has reached down His hand of mercy to us in the loneliness of our sin, and He has raised us up as members of His family. Consequently, one of the clearest displays of the gospel in this life is when redeemed men and women extend a hand of mercy to children in need and bring them into their families."
I have started reading Orphanology. For anyone considering adopting, I highly recommend this book. In the first chapter, the authors point out 8 similarities about God's adoption of us and our adoption of children. I won't list them all out here, but it is very cool to read about the similarities. Examples include, adoption is costly. For us, it will be very expensive (in dollars). For God, it was even pricier (in the blood of His only Son). Another example listed is adoption transforms the child in every way. While our child will be transformed by our love for them and our carefully planned out way in which we will raise them, as children of God, we are completely and radically transformed by His ultimate goal of making us more like Him. Until I began reading this book, I had never made the correlation between earthly adoption and our Father's adoption of us. But I must say, it is really cool!
So...here we are, considering adopting a child. I must say I never thought I would be here. But, then again, if things were going according to my plan, I'd have a 16 month old and another being born tomorrow. It is just so nice that I have finally gotten to a place where I trust that His plan is better than mine. It's a peaceful place to be. For so long, I didn't even consult God. I trusted in MY plan. I knew that my plan was best. Kinda like Sarah knew that her plan was best when after 10 years of infertility, she let her husband sleep with her maid to conceive a child. (I mean...what the heck was she thinking?) Was this the child from which a great nation was born? No, it was from Abraham and Sarah's child, Isaac. Sarah got tired of waiting (boy can I relate to that feeling!) and decided to take matters into her own hands rather than trusting in God. For the last 2 years, I have tried to control the situation. I'm ready to hand it over to Him and trust that my Father who adopted me knows what is best for me.
God has opened our hearts to adoption. Now what? It is a very overwhelming, kind of scary crossroad. We are currently praying about domestic adoption verses international adoption. We are waiting to hear from God on this. I am somewhat pulled toward international adoption, but not for the right reason. I feel that with international adoption there would be a much smaller chance of having my baby taken away from me. It sounds awful, but I'm scared to death of the mother or a family member coming back and finding loopholes in the system to take back their (my) child. What happens when our child wants to meet their birth mom? What if our child chooses to leave us to go back to their birth mom? These are my selfish fears. I know I need to trust God, and this is something that I am currently praying through. Michael, on the other hand, is more led towards domestic adoption. He feels that there are so many children right here in our state, even in our city, who need us. Why go across the world to get one? Not that there is anything wrong with that. After all, we are ALL God's children. I think both options are great, and we are awaiting a confirming word from Him. Please feel free to leave comments or opinions on this issue. We would love to hear your thoughts!
It is still hard at times. I still stare longingly at the baby aisles as we walk through Target. I lose myself in watching a child at the table across from us at Newks. Every now and then, a pang of jealously shoots through me when I pass by a pregnant woman at the grocery store. I long to carry a child. I long to be a mother. It is so wonderful to know that God will fulfill at least the latter of those 2 desires. Because I know and believe with all of my heart that the God who loves me and adopted me into His kingdom desires for me to love and adopt one of His precious children into my home. After all, I'm thankful He adopted me. Why not share that gift?
What a powerful verse! To think that God adopted all of us as His children through sending His son to die for us...that's just unimaginable! Here we are pondering over and praying over the adoption of one or two children, and our God adopted ALL of us!
I love the way David Platt puts it in the Foreward of the book Orphanology... "The gospel and adoption are beautifully woven together by the gracious hand of God. In Christ, God has shown His love to us as our Father. He has reached down His hand of mercy to us in the loneliness of our sin, and He has raised us up as members of His family. Consequently, one of the clearest displays of the gospel in this life is when redeemed men and women extend a hand of mercy to children in need and bring them into their families."
I have started reading Orphanology. For anyone considering adopting, I highly recommend this book. In the first chapter, the authors point out 8 similarities about God's adoption of us and our adoption of children. I won't list them all out here, but it is very cool to read about the similarities. Examples include, adoption is costly. For us, it will be very expensive (in dollars). For God, it was even pricier (in the blood of His only Son). Another example listed is adoption transforms the child in every way. While our child will be transformed by our love for them and our carefully planned out way in which we will raise them, as children of God, we are completely and radically transformed by His ultimate goal of making us more like Him. Until I began reading this book, I had never made the correlation between earthly adoption and our Father's adoption of us. But I must say, it is really cool!
So...here we are, considering adopting a child. I must say I never thought I would be here. But, then again, if things were going according to my plan, I'd have a 16 month old and another being born tomorrow. It is just so nice that I have finally gotten to a place where I trust that His plan is better than mine. It's a peaceful place to be. For so long, I didn't even consult God. I trusted in MY plan. I knew that my plan was best. Kinda like Sarah knew that her plan was best when after 10 years of infertility, she let her husband sleep with her maid to conceive a child. (I mean...what the heck was she thinking?) Was this the child from which a great nation was born? No, it was from Abraham and Sarah's child, Isaac. Sarah got tired of waiting (boy can I relate to that feeling!) and decided to take matters into her own hands rather than trusting in God. For the last 2 years, I have tried to control the situation. I'm ready to hand it over to Him and trust that my Father who adopted me knows what is best for me.
God has opened our hearts to adoption. Now what? It is a very overwhelming, kind of scary crossroad. We are currently praying about domestic adoption verses international adoption. We are waiting to hear from God on this. I am somewhat pulled toward international adoption, but not for the right reason. I feel that with international adoption there would be a much smaller chance of having my baby taken away from me. It sounds awful, but I'm scared to death of the mother or a family member coming back and finding loopholes in the system to take back their (my) child. What happens when our child wants to meet their birth mom? What if our child chooses to leave us to go back to their birth mom? These are my selfish fears. I know I need to trust God, and this is something that I am currently praying through. Michael, on the other hand, is more led towards domestic adoption. He feels that there are so many children right here in our state, even in our city, who need us. Why go across the world to get one? Not that there is anything wrong with that. After all, we are ALL God's children. I think both options are great, and we are awaiting a confirming word from Him. Please feel free to leave comments or opinions on this issue. We would love to hear your thoughts!
It is still hard at times. I still stare longingly at the baby aisles as we walk through Target. I lose myself in watching a child at the table across from us at Newks. Every now and then, a pang of jealously shoots through me when I pass by a pregnant woman at the grocery store. I long to carry a child. I long to be a mother. It is so wonderful to know that God will fulfill at least the latter of those 2 desires. Because I know and believe with all of my heart that the God who loves me and adopted me into His kingdom desires for me to love and adopt one of His precious children into my home. After all, I'm thankful He adopted me. Why not share that gift?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thanksgiving
"Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him, and bless His name." Psalm 100:4
Uncle Steve said something in his sermon Sunday that I thought would be great to elaborate on during this week of Thanksgiving. He said, "Instead of trying to get more of what we don't have, we need to be thankful for what we do have."
What I don't have...a child.
What I do have... I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for. They lift me up when I'm down, and they encourage me every single day. They make me laugh, and they inspire me to be a better person. Each one of my friends, God placed in my life at just the right time for both of us. I am thankful for my friends.
I have the best family in the world. I grew up with 2 loving parents who love us and love each other. I had a wonderful marriage as an example to live by. Not many people can say the same. My parents have sacrificed for me, encouraged, loved, supported, and nurtured me throughout my whole life. My sister is one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I love her dearly. I married into the most amazing family ever, full of Godly examples and people who poured out their love to someone they barely even knew at the time. I am thankful for my family.
I have the most awesome job! Every single day, I get to help people. I have the opportunity to help someone feel better and brighten their day just by listening or with a simple smile. I truly love what I do, and I am physically able to do it. Both of our jobs are enjoyable and provide us with income so we can buy groceries, go on vacations, give to others, and live in a nice home. I am thankful for my job.
I have the ability to see, hear, touch, smell, feel, taste, think, walk, run, jump, talk, and laugh. I am healthy. These are things that I take for granted every single day, but I'm incredibly thankful for.
I have an inspirational church family. Michael and I have gone to Meadow Grove for over 5 years, but we haven't truly gotten "plugged in" until about a year ago. We are always presented with opportunities where we can get involved and help others. The church leaders are incredible people with hearts on fire for God. We are inspired and encouraged daily by our friends at Meadow Grove. I am thankful for our church family.
I have 2 "children" in the form of labrador retrievers. Tebow and Molly have brought so much joy to our lives. They make us laugh and smile every single day, and they love us like only a dog could. I am thankful for my puppies.
I have the most amazing husband and best friend that I could ever imagine possible. That's one of those things where I asked God for a good husband, and He said, "Really, that's all you want? I have something MUCH better for you!" And then He gave me Michael. Every day, I stand amazed at how he has grown into a man who lives every day for the Lord. I trust him with my whole heart. He is quiet and humble, and he leads me by example and with soft, well spoken words. He is the Godly leader for our family, and he will be the most incredible father to our children. And he would get mad if he knew I was writing all this good stuff about him because he does not want any credit for anything. He wants all the glory to go to God. I am thankful for my husband.
I have a risen Lord and Savior who walked on this earth as a man and died a painful death, a death that I deserve. He paid the ultimate price for my sins, so that I could have a chance to spend eternity in heaven with Him. He sacrificed His Son to take my place to give me the gift of eternal life, a gift I don't deserve. I do not truly know the love of a parent because I am not yet one, but I can say that I most likely would not turn over my child to die a brutal death for sinners who tortured and beat Him. That is how much our Father loves us. Isn't it crazy that He can love me that much? I am eternally thankful for my Savior.
It's time that I stop focusing on the one thing I don't have and be more grateful for the multitude of blessings that I do have. Happy Thanksgiving!
Uncle Steve said something in his sermon Sunday that I thought would be great to elaborate on during this week of Thanksgiving. He said, "Instead of trying to get more of what we don't have, we need to be thankful for what we do have."
What I don't have...a child.
What I do have... I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for. They lift me up when I'm down, and they encourage me every single day. They make me laugh, and they inspire me to be a better person. Each one of my friends, God placed in my life at just the right time for both of us. I am thankful for my friends.
I have the best family in the world. I grew up with 2 loving parents who love us and love each other. I had a wonderful marriage as an example to live by. Not many people can say the same. My parents have sacrificed for me, encouraged, loved, supported, and nurtured me throughout my whole life. My sister is one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I love her dearly. I married into the most amazing family ever, full of Godly examples and people who poured out their love to someone they barely even knew at the time. I am thankful for my family.
I have the most awesome job! Every single day, I get to help people. I have the opportunity to help someone feel better and brighten their day just by listening or with a simple smile. I truly love what I do, and I am physically able to do it. Both of our jobs are enjoyable and provide us with income so we can buy groceries, go on vacations, give to others, and live in a nice home. I am thankful for my job.
I have the ability to see, hear, touch, smell, feel, taste, think, walk, run, jump, talk, and laugh. I am healthy. These are things that I take for granted every single day, but I'm incredibly thankful for.
I have an inspirational church family. Michael and I have gone to Meadow Grove for over 5 years, but we haven't truly gotten "plugged in" until about a year ago. We are always presented with opportunities where we can get involved and help others. The church leaders are incredible people with hearts on fire for God. We are inspired and encouraged daily by our friends at Meadow Grove. I am thankful for our church family.
I have 2 "children" in the form of labrador retrievers. Tebow and Molly have brought so much joy to our lives. They make us laugh and smile every single day, and they love us like only a dog could. I am thankful for my puppies.
I have the most amazing husband and best friend that I could ever imagine possible. That's one of those things where I asked God for a good husband, and He said, "Really, that's all you want? I have something MUCH better for you!" And then He gave me Michael. Every day, I stand amazed at how he has grown into a man who lives every day for the Lord. I trust him with my whole heart. He is quiet and humble, and he leads me by example and with soft, well spoken words. He is the Godly leader for our family, and he will be the most incredible father to our children. And he would get mad if he knew I was writing all this good stuff about him because he does not want any credit for anything. He wants all the glory to go to God. I am thankful for my husband.
I have a risen Lord and Savior who walked on this earth as a man and died a painful death, a death that I deserve. He paid the ultimate price for my sins, so that I could have a chance to spend eternity in heaven with Him. He sacrificed His Son to take my place to give me the gift of eternal life, a gift I don't deserve. I do not truly know the love of a parent because I am not yet one, but I can say that I most likely would not turn over my child to die a brutal death for sinners who tortured and beat Him. That is how much our Father loves us. Isn't it crazy that He can love me that much? I am eternally thankful for my Savior.
It's time that I stop focusing on the one thing I don't have and be more grateful for the multitude of blessings that I do have. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
God's Plan...Not Ours
"Since Jesus went through everything your going through and more, learn to think like Him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-3 (The Message)
So basically what I wanted more than anything in the world and what God wants for me was a little bit different. For 2 and a half years, I have been TYRANNIZED by what I want...to be pregnant with a child made from me and Michael's love...a true miracle from God, such a good thing. But, nothing is a good thing when it totally consumes you. I became obsessive. I read about problems and solutions with infertility daily. I have kept the pregnancy test stock in business single handedly! You would not believe it if you knew how many sticks I have peed on! :-) For a while, we kept it to ourselves, but eventually we shared our problem with family and friends, and I talked about it often. My sweet friends at work might tell you I talked about it more than just often. :-) We have spent thousands of dollars and cried hundreds of tears. For so long, it consumed me, when I should have been consumed with my Father's love and His promise to "give me a peace that transcends all understanding". Like 1 Peter says, I should be pursuing what God wants rather than being tyrannized by what I want.
So then, what is it that God wants?
First of all, God wants me to be consumed with Him and His love for me...not consumed with my desire and inability to have a child at this point in my life. It has taken a while for me to come to this realization, but slowly God is allowing me to truly give this over to Him. I remember standing in a church in Honduras last March in complete surrender to God with tears streaming down my face. I had never been so full of His love right smack in the middle of one of the poorest countries in the world. On the bus ride back to our hotel, I smiled at Michael and said softly, "I left it back there in that church.". He inquired about what I had left assuming I meant my bible or my camera or the roll of toilet paper we carried with us everywhere. "I left the burden I have been carrying with me all this time (our infertility). I laid it at His feet, and I'm going to let Him handle it from here on out." What an amazing feeling! I left Honduras feeling renewed...renewed with God's love and with my love for His precious people of Honduras. What a blessing that we had followed the call that God had left on our hearts to go on a foreign mission trip. It changed my life forever. I still struggle with completely turning it over to God. After all, I am a woman, and I am a control freak. But, this is something I pray for daily, and God is beginning to answer my prayers as I feel so much more at peace with the plan that He is unfolding in front of us.
What else does God want? He wants us to care for the orphans. There are countless bible verses that call for God's people to care for the orphans and widows...to be a voice for the voiceless and a father to the fatherless. One of the many verses is James 1:27 stating, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." Isaiah 1:17 commands, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." I could fill up this entire blog with commands from God's Word concerning caring for the orphans. Why wouldn't we, as God followers, care for those who cannot care for themselves the way in which our Father has cared for us? Could it be that the reason God his not given us a child "of our own" is because He desires for us to take in one of His precious children who has no one?
Don't get me wrong...I am not a saint. I am so far from it. It is only by God's grace that I am even sitting here considering this option. Throughout our infertility struggles, I almost viewed adoption as a bad word...like it would be us giving up on ourselves...the resignation of my lifelong dream to be a mother to a child who Michael and I created. But, let's be real. The creation is not of me and Michael...it is of God. There is one thing that I do not have wrong: God created me to be a mother. What I have not known until just recently is that God created me to be a mother to His child...God's child, not necessarily a child "of my own". I don't yet know what this looks like. I don't know if our children will be male or female, dark or light skinned, black or blonde hair, from our DNA or from someone else's. But I do know that they will be beautiful. They will be our children, but more importantly they are children of God. We will completely engulf them with our love...a God given love for our children who He has blessed us with.
In 2 weeks, we will move into our new home. This will be the house that we raise our children in. I know where the kitchen table will be, so it is easy for me to envision the scenerio that plays out in my mind. I see craziness...mass chaos. Children laughing and screaming being children. Michael and I staring at each other from across the table with a deep love in our eyes...love for each other, love for our children, and love for our Lord. I can't see their faces yet. I don't know what they will look like. But I do know that it will be wonderful. It will be a life that only God could give us. It will be an answer to a million prayers. It will be a family who came together not in my tiny, little, uncreative plan for myself but in God's brilliant, majestic, perfect plan for me. I absolutely cannot wait!
One of my favorite quotes says something like, "If you take God's will for your life and make it your own will for your life, then you'll always get your way." I am the type of girl who likes getting my way. So, I am in the process of lining up God's will for me and making His will my will. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it just really makes the most sense. I think He looks down at our plans and thinks, "Really, Kim? That's all you want? I have something SOOO much better waiting for you!" I am thankful that He has better plans for me. I can't wait to see where He leads us!
1 Peter 4:1-3 (The Message)
So basically what I wanted more than anything in the world and what God wants for me was a little bit different. For 2 and a half years, I have been TYRANNIZED by what I want...to be pregnant with a child made from me and Michael's love...a true miracle from God, such a good thing. But, nothing is a good thing when it totally consumes you. I became obsessive. I read about problems and solutions with infertility daily. I have kept the pregnancy test stock in business single handedly! You would not believe it if you knew how many sticks I have peed on! :-) For a while, we kept it to ourselves, but eventually we shared our problem with family and friends, and I talked about it often. My sweet friends at work might tell you I talked about it more than just often. :-) We have spent thousands of dollars and cried hundreds of tears. For so long, it consumed me, when I should have been consumed with my Father's love and His promise to "give me a peace that transcends all understanding". Like 1 Peter says, I should be pursuing what God wants rather than being tyrannized by what I want.
So then, what is it that God wants?
First of all, God wants me to be consumed with Him and His love for me...not consumed with my desire and inability to have a child at this point in my life. It has taken a while for me to come to this realization, but slowly God is allowing me to truly give this over to Him. I remember standing in a church in Honduras last March in complete surrender to God with tears streaming down my face. I had never been so full of His love right smack in the middle of one of the poorest countries in the world. On the bus ride back to our hotel, I smiled at Michael and said softly, "I left it back there in that church.". He inquired about what I had left assuming I meant my bible or my camera or the roll of toilet paper we carried with us everywhere. "I left the burden I have been carrying with me all this time (our infertility). I laid it at His feet, and I'm going to let Him handle it from here on out." What an amazing feeling! I left Honduras feeling renewed...renewed with God's love and with my love for His precious people of Honduras. What a blessing that we had followed the call that God had left on our hearts to go on a foreign mission trip. It changed my life forever. I still struggle with completely turning it over to God. After all, I am a woman, and I am a control freak. But, this is something I pray for daily, and God is beginning to answer my prayers as I feel so much more at peace with the plan that He is unfolding in front of us.
What else does God want? He wants us to care for the orphans. There are countless bible verses that call for God's people to care for the orphans and widows...to be a voice for the voiceless and a father to the fatherless. One of the many verses is James 1:27 stating, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." Isaiah 1:17 commands, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." I could fill up this entire blog with commands from God's Word concerning caring for the orphans. Why wouldn't we, as God followers, care for those who cannot care for themselves the way in which our Father has cared for us? Could it be that the reason God his not given us a child "of our own" is because He desires for us to take in one of His precious children who has no one?
Don't get me wrong...I am not a saint. I am so far from it. It is only by God's grace that I am even sitting here considering this option. Throughout our infertility struggles, I almost viewed adoption as a bad word...like it would be us giving up on ourselves...the resignation of my lifelong dream to be a mother to a child who Michael and I created. But, let's be real. The creation is not of me and Michael...it is of God. There is one thing that I do not have wrong: God created me to be a mother. What I have not known until just recently is that God created me to be a mother to His child...God's child, not necessarily a child "of my own". I don't yet know what this looks like. I don't know if our children will be male or female, dark or light skinned, black or blonde hair, from our DNA or from someone else's. But I do know that they will be beautiful. They will be our children, but more importantly they are children of God. We will completely engulf them with our love...a God given love for our children who He has blessed us with.
In 2 weeks, we will move into our new home. This will be the house that we raise our children in. I know where the kitchen table will be, so it is easy for me to envision the scenerio that plays out in my mind. I see craziness...mass chaos. Children laughing and screaming being children. Michael and I staring at each other from across the table with a deep love in our eyes...love for each other, love for our children, and love for our Lord. I can't see their faces yet. I don't know what they will look like. But I do know that it will be wonderful. It will be a life that only God could give us. It will be an answer to a million prayers. It will be a family who came together not in my tiny, little, uncreative plan for myself but in God's brilliant, majestic, perfect plan for me. I absolutely cannot wait!
One of my favorite quotes says something like, "If you take God's will for your life and make it your own will for your life, then you'll always get your way." I am the type of girl who likes getting my way. So, I am in the process of lining up God's will for me and making His will my will. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it just really makes the most sense. I think He looks down at our plans and thinks, "Really, Kim? That's all you want? I have something SOOO much better waiting for you!" I am thankful that He has better plans for me. I can't wait to see where He leads us!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
In Search of His Will
Where do I begin? I guess the story of God's Child would begin 8 years ago when I met the man of my dreams. Three and a half years later we said, "I do"....not just to each other, but to following God's will for our lives as a happily married couple. At that point, I knew I loved Michael more than it was possible to love any human being. Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea that over the next 4 and a half years, God would bring our love for each other to an entirely different level....a level that could only be reached once we each individually, jointly, and wholeheartedly committed our lives to Christ, our risen Lord and Savior.
Michael and I were both Christians when we met, but we were level 1 Christians. We believed that Jesus was the Son of God, and He died for our sins. But, we weren't really living our lives for Christ. We were selfish. We still are selfish. That is something that we ask God to change every single day. We went to church on Sundays and prayed before we ate supper and sometimes when we went to bed if sleep did not engulf us first. We were both so blessed to be in professions where we had the opportunity to help people every single day, but we rarely helped them spiritually, usually just physically or emotionally. I am so blessed to say that over the past 2 years of our marriage, God has changed us radically.
For my transformation, I give God all the credit. But, there are many people He used as vessels along the way. My mother planted the seed in me as a child and took me the trek across town to church and Sunday school every Sunday, sometimes with me kicking and screaming along the way. I smile as I think of my selfish resistance, and I applaud her persistence and example. He has placed a number of Godly women in my life (you know who you are) at just the right times to say just the right thing to lead me in the direction that only God could have planned. For your friendships, I am eternally grateful. Let's just face it...I couldn't have married into a better family....so many Godly examples and too many encouraging words to count. Our new church family has been such an answered prayer. They are, in a large part, responsible for the purpose of this blog (which maybe I'll get to one of these days). And finally, God's favorite and most influential vessel has been my amazing husband who every day challenges me to be a better person and more like Christ. I'm getting ahead of myself...more on this later.
As a sat in church last Sunday, I took notes from Uncle Steve's sermon in my journal. This journal is symbolic because it is the journal I bought almost 2 and a half years ago when Michael and I began trying to have children. The journal was to be used to write to my unborn child from the day I found out we were pregnant. I was going to write to my baby every single day sharing the joys of pregnancy... the way I told their father and our families that we were pregnant, their first kick to my gut, the first time I hugged the toilet vomiting and smiling with joy at the same time, our adventure of decorating the nursery, the process of picking out the perfect name, the baby shower, the nausea, the fatigue...the utter joy. You see, I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life. I used to say, "I need to find a husband, so I can have my babies!" :-) (Thankfully, my husband has turned out to be much more than just your regular babymaker!) I wished away physical therapy school as fast as I could, so we could hurry up and start spitting out our precious babies. Approximately 9 months before I graduated from PT school, I stopped taking birth control. We were READY!!! Our plan was just PERFECT. Nothing could stand in our way. Nothing but our most holy, gracious heavenly Father who had a plan for us that was far greater and so unimaginable that we could never dream it up for ourselves.
The journal is symbolic because it has been turned over to God. It was originally the book in which I would chronicle MY perfect plan with all of MY desires in MY perfect timing (did I mention earlier that I struggle with selfishness?). Now, it is filled with God's word, God's desires, and God's plan for me. It has taken me 2 years to get to the point where I finally believe and trust with all of my heart and all of my being that His plan is SOOOOOO much better than my own. As Katie Davis quotes in her book Kisses from Katie, "Thankfully, God's plans do not seem to be affected much by my own. Thankfully, God's plans also happen to be much better than my own." Another verse that Michael and I memorized together and tell each other often comes from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Throughout our struggle with infertility, I have felt harmed. I have felt hopeless. There have been times when I have questioned our future. But, I now know, through God's word that His plan for me is perfect and "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
I'll spare you all of the gory details of our infertility, but I will tell you that we have now reached a point where the specialists have said that in vitro fertilization will be the next step. Early on, they fixed the one thing that would have been the problem with simple medication. Then we went a year without getting pregnant. Every month, Michael would hold me as I sobbed and asked God "Why?". It didn't make any sense to me. We would be the best parents, and we have so much love to offer a child. Why would He not give us one? Last May, I had surgery where they cleaned out the little bit of endometreosis that was there and proclaimed, "Everything looked perfect! Y'all should be pregnant within the next 6 months!" We have undergone painful, expensive procedures that place every single little detail in the perfect place at the perfect time that have left friends and family members wondering, "How in the world does that not work???" I'll tell you how it doesn't work. I have not realized it myself until just recently. It's because for some crazy reason that only He can fathom, God does not want it to work. God has other plans for us...
Michael and I were both Christians when we met, but we were level 1 Christians. We believed that Jesus was the Son of God, and He died for our sins. But, we weren't really living our lives for Christ. We were selfish. We still are selfish. That is something that we ask God to change every single day. We went to church on Sundays and prayed before we ate supper and sometimes when we went to bed if sleep did not engulf us first. We were both so blessed to be in professions where we had the opportunity to help people every single day, but we rarely helped them spiritually, usually just physically or emotionally. I am so blessed to say that over the past 2 years of our marriage, God has changed us radically.
For my transformation, I give God all the credit. But, there are many people He used as vessels along the way. My mother planted the seed in me as a child and took me the trek across town to church and Sunday school every Sunday, sometimes with me kicking and screaming along the way. I smile as I think of my selfish resistance, and I applaud her persistence and example. He has placed a number of Godly women in my life (you know who you are) at just the right times to say just the right thing to lead me in the direction that only God could have planned. For your friendships, I am eternally grateful. Let's just face it...I couldn't have married into a better family....so many Godly examples and too many encouraging words to count. Our new church family has been such an answered prayer. They are, in a large part, responsible for the purpose of this blog (which maybe I'll get to one of these days). And finally, God's favorite and most influential vessel has been my amazing husband who every day challenges me to be a better person and more like Christ. I'm getting ahead of myself...more on this later.
As a sat in church last Sunday, I took notes from Uncle Steve's sermon in my journal. This journal is symbolic because it is the journal I bought almost 2 and a half years ago when Michael and I began trying to have children. The journal was to be used to write to my unborn child from the day I found out we were pregnant. I was going to write to my baby every single day sharing the joys of pregnancy... the way I told their father and our families that we were pregnant, their first kick to my gut, the first time I hugged the toilet vomiting and smiling with joy at the same time, our adventure of decorating the nursery, the process of picking out the perfect name, the baby shower, the nausea, the fatigue...the utter joy. You see, I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life. I used to say, "I need to find a husband, so I can have my babies!" :-) (Thankfully, my husband has turned out to be much more than just your regular babymaker!) I wished away physical therapy school as fast as I could, so we could hurry up and start spitting out our precious babies. Approximately 9 months before I graduated from PT school, I stopped taking birth control. We were READY!!! Our plan was just PERFECT. Nothing could stand in our way. Nothing but our most holy, gracious heavenly Father who had a plan for us that was far greater and so unimaginable that we could never dream it up for ourselves.
The journal is symbolic because it has been turned over to God. It was originally the book in which I would chronicle MY perfect plan with all of MY desires in MY perfect timing (did I mention earlier that I struggle with selfishness?). Now, it is filled with God's word, God's desires, and God's plan for me. It has taken me 2 years to get to the point where I finally believe and trust with all of my heart and all of my being that His plan is SOOOOOO much better than my own. As Katie Davis quotes in her book Kisses from Katie, "Thankfully, God's plans do not seem to be affected much by my own. Thankfully, God's plans also happen to be much better than my own." Another verse that Michael and I memorized together and tell each other often comes from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Throughout our struggle with infertility, I have felt harmed. I have felt hopeless. There have been times when I have questioned our future. But, I now know, through God's word that His plan for me is perfect and "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
I'll spare you all of the gory details of our infertility, but I will tell you that we have now reached a point where the specialists have said that in vitro fertilization will be the next step. Early on, they fixed the one thing that would have been the problem with simple medication. Then we went a year without getting pregnant. Every month, Michael would hold me as I sobbed and asked God "Why?". It didn't make any sense to me. We would be the best parents, and we have so much love to offer a child. Why would He not give us one? Last May, I had surgery where they cleaned out the little bit of endometreosis that was there and proclaimed, "Everything looked perfect! Y'all should be pregnant within the next 6 months!" We have undergone painful, expensive procedures that place every single little detail in the perfect place at the perfect time that have left friends and family members wondering, "How in the world does that not work???" I'll tell you how it doesn't work. I have not realized it myself until just recently. It's because for some crazy reason that only He can fathom, God does not want it to work. God has other plans for us...
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