God's Plan...Not Ours

"Since Jesus went through everything your going through and more, learn to think like Him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-3 (The Message)

So basically what I wanted more than anything in the world and what God wants for me was a little bit different. For 2 and a half years, I have been TYRANNIZED by what I want...to be pregnant with a child made from me and Michael's love...a true miracle from God, such a good thing. But, nothing is a good thing when it totally consumes you. I became obsessive. I read about problems and solutions with infertility daily. I have kept the pregnancy test stock in business single handedly! You would not believe it if you knew how many sticks I have peed on! :-) For a while, we kept it to ourselves, but eventually we shared our problem with family and friends, and I talked about it often. My sweet friends at work might tell you I talked about it more than just often. :-) We have spent thousands of dollars and cried hundreds of tears. For so long, it consumed me, when I should have been consumed with my Father's love and His promise to "give me a peace that transcends all understanding". Like 1 Peter says, I should be pursuing what God wants rather than being tyrannized by what I want.
So then, what is it that God wants?

First of all, God wants me to be consumed with Him and His love for me...not consumed with my desire and inability to have a child at this point in my life. It has taken a while for me to come to this realization, but slowly God is allowing me to truly give this over to Him. I remember standing in a church in Honduras last March in complete surrender to God with tears streaming down my face. I had never been so full of His love right smack in the middle of one of the poorest countries in the world. On the bus ride back to our hotel, I smiled at Michael and said softly, "I left it back there in that church.". He inquired about what I had left assuming I meant my bible or my camera or the roll of toilet paper we carried with us everywhere. "I left the burden I have been carrying with me all this time (our infertility). I laid it at His feet, and I'm going to let Him handle it from here on out." What an amazing feeling! I left Honduras feeling renewed...renewed with God's love and with my love for His precious people of Honduras. What a blessing that we had followed the call that God had left on our hearts to go on a foreign mission trip. It changed my life forever. I still struggle with completely turning it over to God. After all, I am a woman, and I am a control freak. But, this is something I pray for daily, and God is beginning to answer my prayers as I feel so much more at peace with the plan that He is unfolding in front of us.

What else does God want? He wants us to care for the orphans. There are countless bible verses that call for God's people to care for the orphans and widows...to be a voice for the voiceless and a father to the fatherless. One of the many verses is James 1:27 stating, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." Isaiah 1:17 commands, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." I could fill up this entire blog with commands from God's Word concerning caring for the orphans. Why wouldn't we, as God followers, care for those who cannot care for themselves the way in which our Father has cared for us? Could it be that the reason God his not given us a child "of our own" is because He desires for us to take in one of His precious children who has no one?

Don't get me wrong...I am not a saint. I am so far from it. It is only by God's grace that I am even sitting here considering this option. Throughout our infertility struggles, I almost viewed adoption as a bad word...like it would be us giving up on ourselves...the resignation of my lifelong dream to be a mother to a child who Michael and I created. But, let's be real. The creation is not of me and Michael...it is of God. There is one thing that I do not have wrong: God created me to be a mother. What I have not known until just recently is that God created me to be a mother to His child...God's child, not necessarily a child "of my own". I don't yet know what this looks like. I don't know if our children will be male or female, dark or light skinned, black or blonde hair, from our DNA or from someone else's. But I do know that they will be beautiful. They will be our children, but more importantly they are children of God. We will completely engulf them with our love...a God given love for our children who He has blessed us with.

In 2 weeks, we will move into our new home. This will be the house that we raise our children in. I know where the kitchen table will be, so it is easy for me to envision the scenerio that plays out in my mind. I see craziness...mass chaos. Children laughing and screaming being children. Michael and I staring at each other from across the table with a deep love in our eyes...love for each other, love for our children, and love for our Lord. I can't see their faces yet. I don't know what they will look like. But I do know that it will be wonderful. It will be a life that only God could give us. It will be an answer to a million prayers. It will be a family who came together not in my tiny, little, uncreative plan for myself but in God's brilliant, majestic, perfect plan for me. I absolutely cannot wait!

One of my favorite quotes says something like, "If you take God's will for your life and make it your own will for your life, then you'll always get your way." I am the type of girl who likes getting my way. So, I am in the process of lining up God's will for me and making His will my will. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it just really makes the most sense. I think He looks down at our plans and thinks, "Really, Kim? That's all you want? I have something SOOO much better waiting for you!" I am thankful that He has better plans for me. I can't wait to see where He leads us!