In Search of His Will

Where do I begin? I guess the story of God's Child would begin 8 years ago when I met the man of my dreams. Three and a half years later we said, "I do"....not just to each other, but to following God's will for our lives as a happily married couple. At that point, I knew I loved Michael more than it was possible to love any human being. Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea that over the next 4 and a half years, God would bring our love for each other to an entirely different level....a level that could only be reached once we each individually, jointly, and wholeheartedly committed our lives to Christ, our risen Lord and Savior.

Michael and I were both Christians when we met, but we were level 1 Christians. We believed that Jesus was the Son of God, and He died for our sins. But, we weren't really living our lives for Christ. We were selfish. We still are selfish. That is something that we ask God to change every single day. We went to church on Sundays and prayed before we ate supper and sometimes when we went to bed if sleep did not engulf us first. We were both so blessed to be in professions where we had the opportunity to help people every single day, but we rarely helped them spiritually, usually just physically or emotionally. I am so blessed to say that over the past 2 years of our marriage, God has changed us radically.

For my transformation, I give God all the credit. But, there are many people He used as vessels along the way. My mother planted the seed in me as a child and took me the trek across town to church and Sunday school every Sunday, sometimes with me kicking and screaming along the way. I smile as I think of my selfish resistance, and I applaud her persistence and example. He has placed a number of Godly women in my life (you know who you are) at just the right times to say just the right thing to lead me in the direction that only God could have planned. For your friendships, I am eternally grateful. Let's just face it...I couldn't have married into a better family....so many Godly examples and too many encouraging words to count. Our new church family has been such an answered prayer. They are, in a large part, responsible for the purpose of this blog (which maybe I'll get to one of these days). And finally, God's favorite and most influential vessel has been my amazing husband who every day challenges me to be a better person and more like Christ. I'm getting ahead of myself...more on this later.

As a sat in church last Sunday, I took notes from Uncle Steve's sermon in my journal. This journal is symbolic because it is the journal I bought almost 2 and a half years ago when Michael and I began trying to have children. The journal was to be used to write to my unborn child from the day I found out we were pregnant. I was going to write to my baby every single day sharing the joys of pregnancy... the way I told their father and our families that we were pregnant, their first kick to my gut, the first time I hugged the toilet vomiting and smiling with joy at the same time, our adventure of decorating the nursery, the process of picking out the perfect name, the baby shower, the nausea, the fatigue...the utter joy. You see, I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life. I used to say, "I need to find a husband, so I can have my babies!" :-) (Thankfully, my husband has turned out to be much more than just your regular babymaker!) I wished away physical therapy school as fast as I could, so we could hurry up and start spitting out our precious babies. Approximately 9 months before I graduated from PT school, I stopped taking birth control. We were READY!!! Our plan was just PERFECT. Nothing could stand in our way. Nothing but our most holy, gracious heavenly Father who had a plan for us that was far greater and so unimaginable that we could never dream it up for ourselves.

The journal is symbolic because it has been turned over to God. It was originally the book in which I would chronicle MY perfect plan with all of MY desires in MY perfect timing (did I mention earlier that I struggle with selfishness?). Now, it is filled with God's word, God's desires, and God's plan for me. It has taken me 2 years to get to the point where I finally believe and trust with all of my heart and all of my being that His plan is SOOOOOO much better than my own. As Katie Davis quotes in her book Kisses from Katie, "Thankfully, God's plans do not seem to be affected much by my own. Thankfully, God's plans also happen to be much better than my own." Another verse that Michael and I memorized together and tell each other often comes from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Throughout our struggle with infertility, I have felt harmed. I have felt hopeless. There have been times when I have questioned our future. But, I now know, through God's word that His plan for me is perfect and "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

I'll spare you all of the gory details of our infertility, but I will tell you that we have now reached a point where the specialists have said that in vitro fertilization will be the next step. Early on, they fixed the one thing that would have been the problem with simple medication. Then we went a year without getting pregnant. Every month, Michael would hold me as I sobbed and asked God "Why?". It didn't make any sense to me. We would be the best parents, and we have so much love to offer a child. Why would He not give us one? Last May, I had surgery where they cleaned out the little bit of endometreosis that was there and proclaimed, "Everything looked perfect! Y'all should be pregnant within the next 6 months!" We have undergone painful, expensive procedures that place every single little detail in the perfect place at the perfect time that have left friends and family members wondering, "How in the world does that not work???" I'll tell you how it doesn't work. I have not realized it myself until just recently. It's because for some crazy reason that only He can fathom, God does not want it to work. God has other plans for us...