"Even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His Will." -Ephesians 1:4-5
What a powerful verse! To think that God adopted all of us as His children through sending His son to die for us...that's just unimaginable! Here we are pondering over and praying over the adoption of one or two children, and our God adopted ALL of us!
I love the way David Platt puts it in the Foreward of the book Orphanology... "The gospel and adoption are beautifully woven together by the gracious hand of God. In Christ, God has shown His love to us as our Father. He has reached down His hand of mercy to us in the loneliness of our sin, and He has raised us up as members of His family. Consequently, one of the clearest displays of the gospel in this life is when redeemed men and women extend a hand of mercy to children in need and bring them into their families."
I have started reading Orphanology. For anyone considering adopting, I highly recommend this book. In the first chapter, the authors point out 8 similarities about God's adoption of us and our adoption of children. I won't list them all out here, but it is very cool to read about the similarities. Examples include, adoption is costly. For us, it will be very expensive (in dollars). For God, it was even pricier (in the blood of His only Son). Another example listed is adoption transforms the child in every way. While our child will be transformed by our love for them and our carefully planned out way in which we will raise them, as children of God, we are completely and radically transformed by His ultimate goal of making us more like Him. Until I began reading this book, I had never made the correlation between earthly adoption and our Father's adoption of us. But I must say, it is really cool!
So...here we are, considering adopting a child. I must say I never thought I would be here. But, then again, if things were going according to my plan, I'd have a 16 month old and another being born tomorrow. It is just so nice that I have finally gotten to a place where I trust that His plan is better than mine. It's a peaceful place to be. For so long, I didn't even consult God. I trusted in MY plan. I knew that my plan was best. Kinda like Sarah knew that her plan was best when after 10 years of infertility, she let her husband sleep with her maid to conceive a child. (I mean...what the heck was she thinking?) Was this the child from which a great nation was born? No, it was from Abraham and Sarah's child, Isaac. Sarah got tired of waiting (boy can I relate to that feeling!) and decided to take matters into her own hands rather than trusting in God. For the last 2 years, I have tried to control the situation. I'm ready to hand it over to Him and trust that my Father who adopted me knows what is best for me.
God has opened our hearts to adoption. Now what? It is a very overwhelming, kind of scary crossroad. We are currently praying about domestic adoption verses international adoption. We are waiting to hear from God on this. I am somewhat pulled toward international adoption, but not for the right reason. I feel that with international adoption there would be a much smaller chance of having my baby taken away from me. It sounds awful, but I'm scared to death of the mother or a family member coming back and finding loopholes in the system to take back their (my) child. What happens when our child wants to meet their birth mom? What if our child chooses to leave us to go back to their birth mom? These are my selfish fears. I know I need to trust God, and this is something that I am currently praying through. Michael, on the other hand, is more led towards domestic adoption. He feels that there are so many children right here in our state, even in our city, who need us. Why go across the world to get one? Not that there is anything wrong with that. After all, we are ALL God's children. I think both options are great, and we are awaiting a confirming word from Him. Please feel free to leave comments or opinions on this issue. We would love to hear your thoughts!
It is still hard at times. I still stare longingly at the baby aisles as we walk through Target. I lose myself in watching a child at the table across from us at Newks. Every now and then, a pang of jealously shoots through me when I pass by a pregnant woman at the grocery store. I long to carry a child. I long to be a mother. It is so wonderful to know that God will fulfill at least the latter of those 2 desires. Because I know and believe with all of my heart that the God who loves me and adopted me into His kingdom desires for me to love and adopt one of His precious children into my home. After all, I'm thankful He adopted me. Why not share that gift?
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thanksgiving
"Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him, and bless His name." Psalm 100:4
Uncle Steve said something in his sermon Sunday that I thought would be great to elaborate on during this week of Thanksgiving. He said, "Instead of trying to get more of what we don't have, we need to be thankful for what we do have."
What I don't have...a child.
What I do have... I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for. They lift me up when I'm down, and they encourage me every single day. They make me laugh, and they inspire me to be a better person. Each one of my friends, God placed in my life at just the right time for both of us. I am thankful for my friends.
I have the best family in the world. I grew up with 2 loving parents who love us and love each other. I had a wonderful marriage as an example to live by. Not many people can say the same. My parents have sacrificed for me, encouraged, loved, supported, and nurtured me throughout my whole life. My sister is one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I love her dearly. I married into the most amazing family ever, full of Godly examples and people who poured out their love to someone they barely even knew at the time. I am thankful for my family.
I have the most awesome job! Every single day, I get to help people. I have the opportunity to help someone feel better and brighten their day just by listening or with a simple smile. I truly love what I do, and I am physically able to do it. Both of our jobs are enjoyable and provide us with income so we can buy groceries, go on vacations, give to others, and live in a nice home. I am thankful for my job.
I have the ability to see, hear, touch, smell, feel, taste, think, walk, run, jump, talk, and laugh. I am healthy. These are things that I take for granted every single day, but I'm incredibly thankful for.
I have an inspirational church family. Michael and I have gone to Meadow Grove for over 5 years, but we haven't truly gotten "plugged in" until about a year ago. We are always presented with opportunities where we can get involved and help others. The church leaders are incredible people with hearts on fire for God. We are inspired and encouraged daily by our friends at Meadow Grove. I am thankful for our church family.
I have 2 "children" in the form of labrador retrievers. Tebow and Molly have brought so much joy to our lives. They make us laugh and smile every single day, and they love us like only a dog could. I am thankful for my puppies.
I have the most amazing husband and best friend that I could ever imagine possible. That's one of those things where I asked God for a good husband, and He said, "Really, that's all you want? I have something MUCH better for you!" And then He gave me Michael. Every day, I stand amazed at how he has grown into a man who lives every day for the Lord. I trust him with my whole heart. He is quiet and humble, and he leads me by example and with soft, well spoken words. He is the Godly leader for our family, and he will be the most incredible father to our children. And he would get mad if he knew I was writing all this good stuff about him because he does not want any credit for anything. He wants all the glory to go to God. I am thankful for my husband.
I have a risen Lord and Savior who walked on this earth as a man and died a painful death, a death that I deserve. He paid the ultimate price for my sins, so that I could have a chance to spend eternity in heaven with Him. He sacrificed His Son to take my place to give me the gift of eternal life, a gift I don't deserve. I do not truly know the love of a parent because I am not yet one, but I can say that I most likely would not turn over my child to die a brutal death for sinners who tortured and beat Him. That is how much our Father loves us. Isn't it crazy that He can love me that much? I am eternally thankful for my Savior.
It's time that I stop focusing on the one thing I don't have and be more grateful for the multitude of blessings that I do have. Happy Thanksgiving!
Uncle Steve said something in his sermon Sunday that I thought would be great to elaborate on during this week of Thanksgiving. He said, "Instead of trying to get more of what we don't have, we need to be thankful for what we do have."
What I don't have...a child.
What I do have... I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for. They lift me up when I'm down, and they encourage me every single day. They make me laugh, and they inspire me to be a better person. Each one of my friends, God placed in my life at just the right time for both of us. I am thankful for my friends.
I have the best family in the world. I grew up with 2 loving parents who love us and love each other. I had a wonderful marriage as an example to live by. Not many people can say the same. My parents have sacrificed for me, encouraged, loved, supported, and nurtured me throughout my whole life. My sister is one of the most thoughtful people I know, and I love her dearly. I married into the most amazing family ever, full of Godly examples and people who poured out their love to someone they barely even knew at the time. I am thankful for my family.
I have the most awesome job! Every single day, I get to help people. I have the opportunity to help someone feel better and brighten their day just by listening or with a simple smile. I truly love what I do, and I am physically able to do it. Both of our jobs are enjoyable and provide us with income so we can buy groceries, go on vacations, give to others, and live in a nice home. I am thankful for my job.
I have the ability to see, hear, touch, smell, feel, taste, think, walk, run, jump, talk, and laugh. I am healthy. These are things that I take for granted every single day, but I'm incredibly thankful for.
I have an inspirational church family. Michael and I have gone to Meadow Grove for over 5 years, but we haven't truly gotten "plugged in" until about a year ago. We are always presented with opportunities where we can get involved and help others. The church leaders are incredible people with hearts on fire for God. We are inspired and encouraged daily by our friends at Meadow Grove. I am thankful for our church family.
I have 2 "children" in the form of labrador retrievers. Tebow and Molly have brought so much joy to our lives. They make us laugh and smile every single day, and they love us like only a dog could. I am thankful for my puppies.
I have the most amazing husband and best friend that I could ever imagine possible. That's one of those things where I asked God for a good husband, and He said, "Really, that's all you want? I have something MUCH better for you!" And then He gave me Michael. Every day, I stand amazed at how he has grown into a man who lives every day for the Lord. I trust him with my whole heart. He is quiet and humble, and he leads me by example and with soft, well spoken words. He is the Godly leader for our family, and he will be the most incredible father to our children. And he would get mad if he knew I was writing all this good stuff about him because he does not want any credit for anything. He wants all the glory to go to God. I am thankful for my husband.
I have a risen Lord and Savior who walked on this earth as a man and died a painful death, a death that I deserve. He paid the ultimate price for my sins, so that I could have a chance to spend eternity in heaven with Him. He sacrificed His Son to take my place to give me the gift of eternal life, a gift I don't deserve. I do not truly know the love of a parent because I am not yet one, but I can say that I most likely would not turn over my child to die a brutal death for sinners who tortured and beat Him. That is how much our Father loves us. Isn't it crazy that He can love me that much? I am eternally thankful for my Savior.
It's time that I stop focusing on the one thing I don't have and be more grateful for the multitude of blessings that I do have. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
God's Plan...Not Ours
"Since Jesus went through everything your going through and more, learn to think like Him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-3 (The Message)
So basically what I wanted more than anything in the world and what God wants for me was a little bit different. For 2 and a half years, I have been TYRANNIZED by what I want...to be pregnant with a child made from me and Michael's love...a true miracle from God, such a good thing. But, nothing is a good thing when it totally consumes you. I became obsessive. I read about problems and solutions with infertility daily. I have kept the pregnancy test stock in business single handedly! You would not believe it if you knew how many sticks I have peed on! :-) For a while, we kept it to ourselves, but eventually we shared our problem with family and friends, and I talked about it often. My sweet friends at work might tell you I talked about it more than just often. :-) We have spent thousands of dollars and cried hundreds of tears. For so long, it consumed me, when I should have been consumed with my Father's love and His promise to "give me a peace that transcends all understanding". Like 1 Peter says, I should be pursuing what God wants rather than being tyrannized by what I want.
So then, what is it that God wants?
First of all, God wants me to be consumed with Him and His love for me...not consumed with my desire and inability to have a child at this point in my life. It has taken a while for me to come to this realization, but slowly God is allowing me to truly give this over to Him. I remember standing in a church in Honduras last March in complete surrender to God with tears streaming down my face. I had never been so full of His love right smack in the middle of one of the poorest countries in the world. On the bus ride back to our hotel, I smiled at Michael and said softly, "I left it back there in that church.". He inquired about what I had left assuming I meant my bible or my camera or the roll of toilet paper we carried with us everywhere. "I left the burden I have been carrying with me all this time (our infertility). I laid it at His feet, and I'm going to let Him handle it from here on out." What an amazing feeling! I left Honduras feeling renewed...renewed with God's love and with my love for His precious people of Honduras. What a blessing that we had followed the call that God had left on our hearts to go on a foreign mission trip. It changed my life forever. I still struggle with completely turning it over to God. After all, I am a woman, and I am a control freak. But, this is something I pray for daily, and God is beginning to answer my prayers as I feel so much more at peace with the plan that He is unfolding in front of us.
What else does God want? He wants us to care for the orphans. There are countless bible verses that call for God's people to care for the orphans and widows...to be a voice for the voiceless and a father to the fatherless. One of the many verses is James 1:27 stating, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." Isaiah 1:17 commands, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." I could fill up this entire blog with commands from God's Word concerning caring for the orphans. Why wouldn't we, as God followers, care for those who cannot care for themselves the way in which our Father has cared for us? Could it be that the reason God his not given us a child "of our own" is because He desires for us to take in one of His precious children who has no one?
Don't get me wrong...I am not a saint. I am so far from it. It is only by God's grace that I am even sitting here considering this option. Throughout our infertility struggles, I almost viewed adoption as a bad word...like it would be us giving up on ourselves...the resignation of my lifelong dream to be a mother to a child who Michael and I created. But, let's be real. The creation is not of me and Michael...it is of God. There is one thing that I do not have wrong: God created me to be a mother. What I have not known until just recently is that God created me to be a mother to His child...God's child, not necessarily a child "of my own". I don't yet know what this looks like. I don't know if our children will be male or female, dark or light skinned, black or blonde hair, from our DNA or from someone else's. But I do know that they will be beautiful. They will be our children, but more importantly they are children of God. We will completely engulf them with our love...a God given love for our children who He has blessed us with.
In 2 weeks, we will move into our new home. This will be the house that we raise our children in. I know where the kitchen table will be, so it is easy for me to envision the scenerio that plays out in my mind. I see craziness...mass chaos. Children laughing and screaming being children. Michael and I staring at each other from across the table with a deep love in our eyes...love for each other, love for our children, and love for our Lord. I can't see their faces yet. I don't know what they will look like. But I do know that it will be wonderful. It will be a life that only God could give us. It will be an answer to a million prayers. It will be a family who came together not in my tiny, little, uncreative plan for myself but in God's brilliant, majestic, perfect plan for me. I absolutely cannot wait!
One of my favorite quotes says something like, "If you take God's will for your life and make it your own will for your life, then you'll always get your way." I am the type of girl who likes getting my way. So, I am in the process of lining up God's will for me and making His will my will. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it just really makes the most sense. I think He looks down at our plans and thinks, "Really, Kim? That's all you want? I have something SOOO much better waiting for you!" I am thankful that He has better plans for me. I can't wait to see where He leads us!
1 Peter 4:1-3 (The Message)
So basically what I wanted more than anything in the world and what God wants for me was a little bit different. For 2 and a half years, I have been TYRANNIZED by what I want...to be pregnant with a child made from me and Michael's love...a true miracle from God, such a good thing. But, nothing is a good thing when it totally consumes you. I became obsessive. I read about problems and solutions with infertility daily. I have kept the pregnancy test stock in business single handedly! You would not believe it if you knew how many sticks I have peed on! :-) For a while, we kept it to ourselves, but eventually we shared our problem with family and friends, and I talked about it often. My sweet friends at work might tell you I talked about it more than just often. :-) We have spent thousands of dollars and cried hundreds of tears. For so long, it consumed me, when I should have been consumed with my Father's love and His promise to "give me a peace that transcends all understanding". Like 1 Peter says, I should be pursuing what God wants rather than being tyrannized by what I want.
So then, what is it that God wants?
First of all, God wants me to be consumed with Him and His love for me...not consumed with my desire and inability to have a child at this point in my life. It has taken a while for me to come to this realization, but slowly God is allowing me to truly give this over to Him. I remember standing in a church in Honduras last March in complete surrender to God with tears streaming down my face. I had never been so full of His love right smack in the middle of one of the poorest countries in the world. On the bus ride back to our hotel, I smiled at Michael and said softly, "I left it back there in that church.". He inquired about what I had left assuming I meant my bible or my camera or the roll of toilet paper we carried with us everywhere. "I left the burden I have been carrying with me all this time (our infertility). I laid it at His feet, and I'm going to let Him handle it from here on out." What an amazing feeling! I left Honduras feeling renewed...renewed with God's love and with my love for His precious people of Honduras. What a blessing that we had followed the call that God had left on our hearts to go on a foreign mission trip. It changed my life forever. I still struggle with completely turning it over to God. After all, I am a woman, and I am a control freak. But, this is something I pray for daily, and God is beginning to answer my prayers as I feel so much more at peace with the plan that He is unfolding in front of us.
What else does God want? He wants us to care for the orphans. There are countless bible verses that call for God's people to care for the orphans and widows...to be a voice for the voiceless and a father to the fatherless. One of the many verses is James 1:27 stating, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." Isaiah 1:17 commands, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." I could fill up this entire blog with commands from God's Word concerning caring for the orphans. Why wouldn't we, as God followers, care for those who cannot care for themselves the way in which our Father has cared for us? Could it be that the reason God his not given us a child "of our own" is because He desires for us to take in one of His precious children who has no one?
Don't get me wrong...I am not a saint. I am so far from it. It is only by God's grace that I am even sitting here considering this option. Throughout our infertility struggles, I almost viewed adoption as a bad word...like it would be us giving up on ourselves...the resignation of my lifelong dream to be a mother to a child who Michael and I created. But, let's be real. The creation is not of me and Michael...it is of God. There is one thing that I do not have wrong: God created me to be a mother. What I have not known until just recently is that God created me to be a mother to His child...God's child, not necessarily a child "of my own". I don't yet know what this looks like. I don't know if our children will be male or female, dark or light skinned, black or blonde hair, from our DNA or from someone else's. But I do know that they will be beautiful. They will be our children, but more importantly they are children of God. We will completely engulf them with our love...a God given love for our children who He has blessed us with.
In 2 weeks, we will move into our new home. This will be the house that we raise our children in. I know where the kitchen table will be, so it is easy for me to envision the scenerio that plays out in my mind. I see craziness...mass chaos. Children laughing and screaming being children. Michael and I staring at each other from across the table with a deep love in our eyes...love for each other, love for our children, and love for our Lord. I can't see their faces yet. I don't know what they will look like. But I do know that it will be wonderful. It will be a life that only God could give us. It will be an answer to a million prayers. It will be a family who came together not in my tiny, little, uncreative plan for myself but in God's brilliant, majestic, perfect plan for me. I absolutely cannot wait!
One of my favorite quotes says something like, "If you take God's will for your life and make it your own will for your life, then you'll always get your way." I am the type of girl who likes getting my way. So, I am in the process of lining up God's will for me and making His will my will. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it just really makes the most sense. I think He looks down at our plans and thinks, "Really, Kim? That's all you want? I have something SOOO much better waiting for you!" I am thankful that He has better plans for me. I can't wait to see where He leads us!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
In Search of His Will
Where do I begin? I guess the story of God's Child would begin 8 years ago when I met the man of my dreams. Three and a half years later we said, "I do"....not just to each other, but to following God's will for our lives as a happily married couple. At that point, I knew I loved Michael more than it was possible to love any human being. Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea that over the next 4 and a half years, God would bring our love for each other to an entirely different level....a level that could only be reached once we each individually, jointly, and wholeheartedly committed our lives to Christ, our risen Lord and Savior.
Michael and I were both Christians when we met, but we were level 1 Christians. We believed that Jesus was the Son of God, and He died for our sins. But, we weren't really living our lives for Christ. We were selfish. We still are selfish. That is something that we ask God to change every single day. We went to church on Sundays and prayed before we ate supper and sometimes when we went to bed if sleep did not engulf us first. We were both so blessed to be in professions where we had the opportunity to help people every single day, but we rarely helped them spiritually, usually just physically or emotionally. I am so blessed to say that over the past 2 years of our marriage, God has changed us radically.
For my transformation, I give God all the credit. But, there are many people He used as vessels along the way. My mother planted the seed in me as a child and took me the trek across town to church and Sunday school every Sunday, sometimes with me kicking and screaming along the way. I smile as I think of my selfish resistance, and I applaud her persistence and example. He has placed a number of Godly women in my life (you know who you are) at just the right times to say just the right thing to lead me in the direction that only God could have planned. For your friendships, I am eternally grateful. Let's just face it...I couldn't have married into a better family....so many Godly examples and too many encouraging words to count. Our new church family has been such an answered prayer. They are, in a large part, responsible for the purpose of this blog (which maybe I'll get to one of these days). And finally, God's favorite and most influential vessel has been my amazing husband who every day challenges me to be a better person and more like Christ. I'm getting ahead of myself...more on this later.
As a sat in church last Sunday, I took notes from Uncle Steve's sermon in my journal. This journal is symbolic because it is the journal I bought almost 2 and a half years ago when Michael and I began trying to have children. The journal was to be used to write to my unborn child from the day I found out we were pregnant. I was going to write to my baby every single day sharing the joys of pregnancy... the way I told their father and our families that we were pregnant, their first kick to my gut, the first time I hugged the toilet vomiting and smiling with joy at the same time, our adventure of decorating the nursery, the process of picking out the perfect name, the baby shower, the nausea, the fatigue...the utter joy. You see, I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life. I used to say, "I need to find a husband, so I can have my babies!" :-) (Thankfully, my husband has turned out to be much more than just your regular babymaker!) I wished away physical therapy school as fast as I could, so we could hurry up and start spitting out our precious babies. Approximately 9 months before I graduated from PT school, I stopped taking birth control. We were READY!!! Our plan was just PERFECT. Nothing could stand in our way. Nothing but our most holy, gracious heavenly Father who had a plan for us that was far greater and so unimaginable that we could never dream it up for ourselves.
The journal is symbolic because it has been turned over to God. It was originally the book in which I would chronicle MY perfect plan with all of MY desires in MY perfect timing (did I mention earlier that I struggle with selfishness?). Now, it is filled with God's word, God's desires, and God's plan for me. It has taken me 2 years to get to the point where I finally believe and trust with all of my heart and all of my being that His plan is SOOOOOO much better than my own. As Katie Davis quotes in her book Kisses from Katie, "Thankfully, God's plans do not seem to be affected much by my own. Thankfully, God's plans also happen to be much better than my own." Another verse that Michael and I memorized together and tell each other often comes from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Throughout our struggle with infertility, I have felt harmed. I have felt hopeless. There have been times when I have questioned our future. But, I now know, through God's word that His plan for me is perfect and "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
I'll spare you all of the gory details of our infertility, but I will tell you that we have now reached a point where the specialists have said that in vitro fertilization will be the next step. Early on, they fixed the one thing that would have been the problem with simple medication. Then we went a year without getting pregnant. Every month, Michael would hold me as I sobbed and asked God "Why?". It didn't make any sense to me. We would be the best parents, and we have so much love to offer a child. Why would He not give us one? Last May, I had surgery where they cleaned out the little bit of endometreosis that was there and proclaimed, "Everything looked perfect! Y'all should be pregnant within the next 6 months!" We have undergone painful, expensive procedures that place every single little detail in the perfect place at the perfect time that have left friends and family members wondering, "How in the world does that not work???" I'll tell you how it doesn't work. I have not realized it myself until just recently. It's because for some crazy reason that only He can fathom, God does not want it to work. God has other plans for us...
Michael and I were both Christians when we met, but we were level 1 Christians. We believed that Jesus was the Son of God, and He died for our sins. But, we weren't really living our lives for Christ. We were selfish. We still are selfish. That is something that we ask God to change every single day. We went to church on Sundays and prayed before we ate supper and sometimes when we went to bed if sleep did not engulf us first. We were both so blessed to be in professions where we had the opportunity to help people every single day, but we rarely helped them spiritually, usually just physically or emotionally. I am so blessed to say that over the past 2 years of our marriage, God has changed us radically.
For my transformation, I give God all the credit. But, there are many people He used as vessels along the way. My mother planted the seed in me as a child and took me the trek across town to church and Sunday school every Sunday, sometimes with me kicking and screaming along the way. I smile as I think of my selfish resistance, and I applaud her persistence and example. He has placed a number of Godly women in my life (you know who you are) at just the right times to say just the right thing to lead me in the direction that only God could have planned. For your friendships, I am eternally grateful. Let's just face it...I couldn't have married into a better family....so many Godly examples and too many encouraging words to count. Our new church family has been such an answered prayer. They are, in a large part, responsible for the purpose of this blog (which maybe I'll get to one of these days). And finally, God's favorite and most influential vessel has been my amazing husband who every day challenges me to be a better person and more like Christ. I'm getting ahead of myself...more on this later.
As a sat in church last Sunday, I took notes from Uncle Steve's sermon in my journal. This journal is symbolic because it is the journal I bought almost 2 and a half years ago when Michael and I began trying to have children. The journal was to be used to write to my unborn child from the day I found out we were pregnant. I was going to write to my baby every single day sharing the joys of pregnancy... the way I told their father and our families that we were pregnant, their first kick to my gut, the first time I hugged the toilet vomiting and smiling with joy at the same time, our adventure of decorating the nursery, the process of picking out the perfect name, the baby shower, the nausea, the fatigue...the utter joy. You see, I've dreamed of being a mother my whole life. I used to say, "I need to find a husband, so I can have my babies!" :-) (Thankfully, my husband has turned out to be much more than just your regular babymaker!) I wished away physical therapy school as fast as I could, so we could hurry up and start spitting out our precious babies. Approximately 9 months before I graduated from PT school, I stopped taking birth control. We were READY!!! Our plan was just PERFECT. Nothing could stand in our way. Nothing but our most holy, gracious heavenly Father who had a plan for us that was far greater and so unimaginable that we could never dream it up for ourselves.
The journal is symbolic because it has been turned over to God. It was originally the book in which I would chronicle MY perfect plan with all of MY desires in MY perfect timing (did I mention earlier that I struggle with selfishness?). Now, it is filled with God's word, God's desires, and God's plan for me. It has taken me 2 years to get to the point where I finally believe and trust with all of my heart and all of my being that His plan is SOOOOOO much better than my own. As Katie Davis quotes in her book Kisses from Katie, "Thankfully, God's plans do not seem to be affected much by my own. Thankfully, God's plans also happen to be much better than my own." Another verse that Michael and I memorized together and tell each other often comes from Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Throughout our struggle with infertility, I have felt harmed. I have felt hopeless. There have been times when I have questioned our future. But, I now know, through God's word that His plan for me is perfect and "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
I'll spare you all of the gory details of our infertility, but I will tell you that we have now reached a point where the specialists have said that in vitro fertilization will be the next step. Early on, they fixed the one thing that would have been the problem with simple medication. Then we went a year without getting pregnant. Every month, Michael would hold me as I sobbed and asked God "Why?". It didn't make any sense to me. We would be the best parents, and we have so much love to offer a child. Why would He not give us one? Last May, I had surgery where they cleaned out the little bit of endometreosis that was there and proclaimed, "Everything looked perfect! Y'all should be pregnant within the next 6 months!" We have undergone painful, expensive procedures that place every single little detail in the perfect place at the perfect time that have left friends and family members wondering, "How in the world does that not work???" I'll tell you how it doesn't work. I have not realized it myself until just recently. It's because for some crazy reason that only He can fathom, God does not want it to work. God has other plans for us...
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