"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22
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I recently heard someone define grace as getting something you don't deserve. God has obviously already magnificently displayed His amazing grace in giving us the ultimate gift of salvation through His Son Jesus Christ. We do not deserve salvation. We are sinners, and we deserve death. But, through His grace, we are made whole and we are saved. Nothing else can compare to that undeserving gift. Through God's grace, He has also given me a loving husband and family, wonderful friends, an amazing church family, a job, a house, my health, and many other countless things. On June 25th, 2012, Michael and I yet again experienced God's grace in a way like never before...
While in Colorado visiting my parents, I came down with a nasty virus. When we arrived home, I immediately went to the doctor. He gave me an antibiotic and a steroid instructing me not to take the steroid if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I told him I had been infertile for 3 years so it was highly unlikely, but I would make sure before taking the drug. When I got home, I peed on what must have been the 100th pregnancy test I've taken. As I've mentioned before, I pretty much keep the pregnancy test stock in business. You're welcome if you are a shareholder. Not thinking much of it, I left it in the bathroom and went and ate my lunch. I have become numb to pregnancy test results after years of heartbreak. Not even preparing myself for the bad news to come, I took a peek and before discarding it took a long second look. There was an extremely faint 2nd line. So faint that I was convinced my eyes were playing tricks on me or the test was defective. I placed it on a shelf in the cabinet and went on with my day. I was not about to tell Michael news that was false or inaccurate and get his hopes up. The next day after work, I bought one of those really good, fancy pregnancy tests. All I had were the cheapo $1 dollar store tests. This is what you must resort to in order to keep food on the table when you went through them at the rate I did. I came home, took the fancy, smancy preg test, and fell to my knees sobbing. It was positive. A definite positive. It is all kind of a blur, but I do remember being on the bathroom floor on my knees with my hands held up to heaven sobbing "Thank you. Thank you, God." over and over and over. I simply could not understand why He had chosen to give us such a gift that we are so undeserving of. Why or how could He possibly love us that much? God extends His amazing grace.
I texted Michael and asked when he'd be getting home. He said he was working late, and it would be about another hour. NOOOOOO!!!!! Longest hour of my life. Wisely, I spent the hour standing at the front door staring out the window waiting to see his car (cause that made it go by much faster) with an occasional trip back to the bathroom to double check the test. The tears continued to pour. There was just no stopping them. He finally arrived. Trying to hide my tear stained face, we made small talk for a couple minutes about our days before I asked him to come with me to the bedroom. We sat down on the edge of the bed, and I asked him to pray with me. He could feel my hands shaking as he held them, and a begin to cry as I called out to our Father. I will spare you all of the details of this personal prayer, but in summary I thanked God for our infertility and for opening our hearts up to adoption. And then I thanked him for the tiny miracle baby that was growing inside of me. I heard Michael whisper, "What?" I quickly finished so I could look up at Michael, "I pray that you will watch over this child and that we will raise this child for your glory. Amen." I looked up into my husband's teary eyes, and we hugged each other so tightly I hope it did not cause any harm to the baby. :-) Together we rejoiced, and together we praised God.
No one can truly understand God's ways or reasons because He is SOOO much bigger and wiser than us. But, I have some suspicions as to some of the work He has done in all of this. First of all, adoption. If you have read this blog, you know our hearts for adoption. You also know that that has not always been my heart. God had to bring me to that place. If God had given me a baby when I thought it was time and when I asked for one, sadly, I don't think I would have ever considered adoption on my own. God had to bring us through this struggle to get us there. Like I said before Michael was there long before I was, and I truly believe that God was waiting for my heart to be on board 100% before giving us this gift. Within 5 minutes of sharing the news with Michael, I asked him, "Do you still want to adopt?" "Yes" he replied without hesitation, "Do you?" "Yes" I could say with absolute certainty. We know that God has a child for us to adopt, and we will follow His will for us in this journey. We have spoken to Bethany Christian Services, and they can put our account on hold, so we can pick up right where we left off with them after this baby is born. We are SO excited to see what God is going to do!
Here are 3 additional really cool "God things". We got pregnant my first month off of the fertility meds. It's like God was saying, "I don't need your help. I got this." I had been having some discomfort, and we had really shifted our focus from our infertility to the adoption, so Michael suggested that I just get off of the meds and give my body a break. Well, sure enough, God got us pregnant on His own...no drugs needed. Secondly, our fertility doctor was starting to push in vitro. They had told us that we were the perfect candidates, and they were certain that they could get us pregnant through in vitro. Now was the time while we were still young and the percentages were in our favor. They are such wonderful people, and they saw our desire, and they wanted to get us pregnant so badly. I was very tempted to do in vitro. Michael was not. We prayed about it and collectively decided that that was not what God was calling us to do at the time. He was CLEARLY calling us to adopt. They only do in vitro 4 times a year. The month they were wanting to get us signed up for was June. The month before you do in vitro you are on birth control to regulate your hormones. If we had intentionally gone against what God was telling us, we would have been on birth control the month we conceived. Tell me God doesn't know what He's doing. Lastly, I had been having some bad pain and bloating for a couple of months. Come to find out on our first sonogram, I had a cantaloupe size ovarian cyst! Had I gone to the doctor to get the pain checked out at any time, they would have done an ultrasound and discovered the cyst. Guess how they fix ovarian cysts in women who aren't pregnant? You guessed it...birth control. Thankful that I did not go in to get it checked out. God knew what He was doing all along. If you are going through something where you just don't understand God's reasons, I urge you to TRUST HIM. He knows what He's doing. Things don't always happen our way and in our time, and with God in control, it is ALWAYS better that way. He knows. You just have to trust Him.
We are 12 weeks pregnant and praising God without ceasing. We got a good report at the doctor this week. The baby's growth and heart rate were perfect, and my cyst which had been growing every visit for 4 weeks began to shrink. Surgery was a possibility for the cyst which is scary when a baby is involved so we have been praying so hard for God to shrink it. We know that all things are possible through Him. At the last appointment, the cyst had shrunk by over half! When we were alone in the room waiting on the doctor, I was crying so overwhelmed with joy. I told Michael that I just didn't understand why God would do this for us? We don't deserve this. Why has He given us this child and now shrinking this cyst? I just don't get it. Michael's simple and perfect response, "Because He loves us." Love is the answer for everything. Why did He die on the cross for us? Because He loves us. Why does He give us heartache and trials? Because He loves us. Why on earth does the God of the universe continue to give us amazing grace? Because He loves us.
